Jag - The Collingwood Christmas Party

[hollow_moon]

The party was always the same. Big dresses, men in fine tailored suits, rich food, bountiful drink... It was opulent and glitzy, and Val sort of loved it. Sometimes they rented ballrooms or hotels, but this year his mother had chosen the family home, wanting to show off the restorations she'd had done, and take advantage of the decent weather that allowed their guests to explore the large and beautiful gardens.

He'd gotten a few curious looks from certain relatives when he'd turned up with Jag on his arm, but most of his family hardly batted a lash- And many were open and friendly, making a point of coming over and saying hello.

His mother, however, had been fairly illusive, so busy flitting about that she'd barely had time to wave hello. It was only now, when Val was wondering if  maybe it was time to start heading out, that she seemed to appear out of nowhere and came rushing over. Her hair was a perfect shade of silver, long and thick, but styled neatly into a loose bun. She was wearing a long and flowing evening gown, but her jewellery was simple, a necklace with a single Tahitian pearl, and a set of simple silver channel earrings.

"Oh, Valentine! Look at you," she smiled, cupping Val's face in her hands and smiling warmly. "You've cut your hair! It looks so smart. Still not sure about the eyeliner- Though I'm impressed you can get the waterline filled in so well," she chuckled, kissing his cheek and then taking a step back. "You didn't think you could escape without introducing me to your friend, did you?"

Val smiled, and almost blushed- Though he'd deny it if anyone suggested he had. "Date, actually. Mum, this is Jag, Jag this is my mother, Margaret Collingwood."

Margaret smiled brightly, offering her hand. "Lovely to meet you, Jag."

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[jageskro]

Jag went out on the balcony and lit up the cigarette with a thought, wishing that he could find comfort in it. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing here, and it was growing increasingly apparent to him. Tears prickled at the back of his eyes, and he took a long, hard drag on the cigarette, leaning back against the window pane and trying to get a bloody grip. This wasn't where he belonged, but out there in a pub, drinking too much and starting a fight. He rubbed at his brow with the heel of the hand holding the cigarette.

That would just be running away again, though, wouldn't it. And he didn't bloody want to. He didn't understand why things had to be so hard, when he was trying, for once.

When he finished his cigarette, he put it out instinctively and headed back inside, finding a bin to throw it in. He found Val making tea and leaned against the kitchen counter, watching him.

"I've never tried so hard, Val," he admitted, his voice thick with emotion. "If this isn't enough, I don't know what to give you."

[hollow_moon]

Val looked over, his brow creasing slightly as he shook his head.

"No, no, that- That isn't what I meant," he insisted softly, making his way over to jag and touching his cheek. "I know that this, all of it- It's not what you're used to. I do understand that- At least... I try to, I promise. I just also know that this life isn't something I'll ever turn my back on, and I know that means... It means asking you to embrace it as your own. I worry you don't want to do that though. ...Which is fine, I would understand that, I really would. We can't have it both ways though, and it seems that we're both very attached to life as we know it."

[jageskro]

"Of course I don't want to let go of my life," Jag answered with a frown, pain and confusion obvious in his eyes. "We've been dating for a couple of months." And honestly, he hoped he wouldn't ever want to let go, but that didn't mean shit. Compromises existed for a reason.

[hollow_moon]

Val sighed, and it was clear that he was going to just keep saying the wrong thing no matter how hard he tried to clarify what he meant.

"Never mind," he said, pulling away. "You're right, it's only been a few months- and it feels like all we do is squabble. I say the wrong thing, you get hurt, and- I hate it. You must hate it as well. It's like we're both constantly saying the wrong thing and upsetting one another. ...Maybe we- Maybe while I'm gone, you should see other people," Val offered quietly. "Maybe we need a break. A real one this time. ...And that's not me throwing a fit or getting worked up, I just- It feels like we're really out of sync right now. Does that make sense? I'm not sure how else to say it."

[jageskro]

For a moment, Jag couldn't feel a thing, didn't know how to react. "No," he finally managed, his voice even thicker than before. "No, it doesn't make any fucking sense, Val. Not unless you want rid of me, but then - just say it, yeah?" He sounded angry again by the end, because that was his fallback, especially when he hurt like this.

[hollow_moon]

"I don't, I don't want that. I know it's soon, but I think of the future, and I see you in it. You seem so put off though, by my- I don't know. Wants or whatever. I just- I feel like everything's just- Hard. Shouldn't it be easier? We clash so often, and it's exhausting. I adore you, but-"

He paused then, shaking his head. "Love you. Not adore, adore's a cop out. I love you, and maybe I'm an idiot for falling so fast, but I do- So when I start talking about my future, or wanting you to like my dad- It's because I want to share it with you. Them, it, my world."

[jageskro]

Jag just looked at him for a few seconds, then huffed out a humourless little laugh, and shook his head. "I'm so fucking lost right now."

[hollow_moon]

"What I'm trying to say is- I know I've put a lot of pressure on you- Not just tonight, but in general. I push, I don't mean to, but I do. ...So maybe- Maybe while I'm off learning to control the wolf, you should- See if you want what I do, or if you want something else," Val said quietly.

[jageskro]

Yeah, that wasn't helping. Jag leaned back against the counter, both hands on its edge, as if he needed to brace himself. "By fucking around," he completed, sounding tired rather than hostile." Yeah, that'll give me all the answers." He was just tired, and on edge, and Val said he loved him but was so willing to let him go, and he really, really wanted to go out and pick a fight with the first arsehole he ran into.

He ran a hand over his face, pushed it back through his hair. "I know I want you. That's what I know, Val. I don't... I don't know anything else."

[hollow_moon]

"I'm not saying you should go out and shag half of London, Jag. Not saying you need to shag anyone, I just- Never mind. You know what, Jag? If you want me to be the villain, I'll be the villain," Val sighed. "I think our relationship, as it stands right now, isn't healthy. It's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for me. We fight more often than we get on. We pick apart everything the other says. It's not good for us. I love you- I'm mad about you, but that- It doesn't mean this is good. ...So yeah, I want you to be free for a while, while I go off and- Find my inner wolf or whatever, because I'm hoping that when we're reunited, we'll both be on the same page for a change. Because I want this to work, whether you believe that or not, I do."

[jageskro]

The last thing Jag wanted was to be free, and he closed his eyes for a few moments, swallowing against the tightness in his throat. When he opened them again, he looked more in control - which really meant that he was keeping everything he was feeling on the inside, for now. "Do you want me to go? Right now." It was an actual, proper question, no trick to it; it was him trying not to read too much into what Val had said, despite what his self-esteem issues were insisting.

[hollow_moon]

Val shook his head, because he honestly didn't.

[jageskro]

Jag let out the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, and held a hand out to Val, vulnerability creeping back into his gaze.

[hollow_moon]

Val took the offered hand, squeezing gently.

[jageskro]

Jag wanted, needed, a lot more than that, and he took the hand-holding to mean that the more in question was all right. He stepped close and wrapped his other arm around Val, face tucked against his neck, and held on tight, just focusing on the physicality of him.

[hollow_moon]

Val embraced him tightly, rubbing his back but unsure of what to say. Silence felt safe. ...It felt right to say nothing.

[jageskro]

Jag just focused on Val, warm and solid and holding him, for a long few moments. Silence did feel safe, but there was another way to communicate. Half afraid that he might be rejected, he lifted his head and turned it towards Val, nosing at his cheek as if to check that it was all right, before pressing his lips to Val's.

[hollow_moon]

Val returned the kiss softly and slowly, sighing and then deepening it slightly- As though searching for answers between those lips.

[jageskro]

This was, in fact, the perfect answer, as far as Jag felt. This was right, felt right when they deepened the kiss. It felt like things clicking into place, especially after being so proper all evening long. When the kiss broke, he kept his forehead against Val's, his hand on the side of his jaw. "I don't want to give this up again."

[hollow_moon]

Val swallowed hard, then closed his eyes. "I don't either," he admitted. "I just feel so... I don't know. I don't know," he admitted with a sigh.

[jageskro]

"Anxious and awkward and out of your depth?" Jag tried, because that was the way he felt. But it was more than counterbalanced by the other ways Val made him feel.

[hollow_moon]

"That- Yeah, that about sums it up," Val said, offering an uncomfortable laugh. "Stressed out as well, if I'm honest- Though I think that's more to do with work piling up."

[jageskro]

Jag pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Val's lips. "I'm sorry if I'm adding to that." He reckoned being about to go off to Tibet was probably not helping either.

[hollow_moon]

Val rested his forehead against Jag's, sighing softly.

"I'm sorry too, I know I'm difficult sometimes- I know I worry and push people away. I don't mean to really, and I always feel as if I've got such good and logical reasons to try and justify my actions with."

[jageskro]

Jag's fingers traced Val's jaw in a soothing caress, and he bit his own lip for a second, then admitted, "Better than me, then." Logical wasn't exactly something Jag would claim to be. He wished he could be everything Val wanted, and he hated that he was coming up short by so much.